


carry the weight of me in your heart

by Ishmael



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death Fix, Comment Fic, Death, F/F, Femslash, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-13
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-20 09:49:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ishmael/pseuds/Ishmael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soo Lin talks with Sally after the attack at the museum.</p><p>“I did not expect to still be alive,” she admits. “I was ready for it, ready for the fear to be over."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. enough to go by

**Author's Note:**

> For [my prompt](http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/6487.html?thread=34094679#t34094679) of Soo Lin/Sally. The first part is more gen than slash. Would never have finished without the help of [](http://flecalicious.livejournal.com/profile)[**flecalicious**](http://flecalicious.livejournal.com/) and [](http://curedlullaby.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://curedlullaby.livejournal.com/)**curedlullaby**.
> 
> Also available as a podfic, linked at the end.

The Styrofoam cup is pleasantly warm in her hands.

“It’s terrible,” the policewoman warns. “Nothin’ like the nice brew you’re used to. But times like these call for tea.”

“Thank you,” Soo Lin murmurs as she adjusts the garish blanket on her shoulders. Tea is one of Soo Lin’s few memories of her mother, worn hands over an ugly teapot. She could forget about her fear a little while when going through the motions of tea-making. It’s why she’d come back to the museum—her last little moment of calm before the inevitable. What she’d thought was inevitable.

An ex army doctor changed all that.

The tea _is_ terrible. She can’t quite suppress her grimace, and the policewoman laughs.

Plopping down in the ambulance beside Soo Lin, her face softens. “Best I could do on short notice. I’m Detective Sergeant Sally Donovan.”

The silence afterwards pulls at her, makes her feel the tacky splatter of her brother’s blood on her clothes, but she doesn’t know what to say. What is supposed to be come now, after all this has happened? The words build up inside her, burst the fragile silence like a bubble.

“My family is dead.” She has to take a breath, in and out, remembering her brother’s last moments before Dr Watson shot him. Instead of thankful she finds herself angry. For a brief moment she wants to tell the Detective Sergeant the truth, reveal her brother’s killer, punish Dr Watson for saving her when she’d been ready for it to stop.

“I did not expect to still be alive,” she admits. “I was ready for it, ready for the fear to be over. I spent my whole life being afraid. I was so tired.”

The tears don’t even register until she feels them falling on her arms, warm trails in the cool air.

“What do I do now?” she whispers, not caring at the broken quality of her voice, not able to look at the woman beside her. Not when she feels so bare.

Sergeant Donovan shifts; one hand covers Soo Lin’s, surprisingly rough. “You go on. You keep on living, keep on hurting and breathing and _feeling_.”

Soo Lin lifts her head, makes herself look at Donovan in the eye.

“You’re free,” Sergeant Donovan says with a bitter smile. “To do what you like. Anythin’ at all.”

The hand feels nothing like when her brother would hold hers in the dark, tell her it was only one more trip to Hong Kong, only a little longer before they’d be free. She squeezes, probably hard enough to hurt, but the only response is for the Sergeant to squeeze back.

“You’ve been given somethin’ special, you know.” Donovan takes a sip from her tea. “You may hate it, but that doesn’t change facts. Don’t be afraid to have your own life, Miss Yao. It won’t bring your brother back.”

The words hurt, feel like her heart is being pulled out all over again. It doesn’t make them any less true. There’s a sudden surge of overwhelming relief that this woman didn’t try to coddle her, tell her it would all be alright.

“Please, call me Soo Lin.” After seeing her snotty and tearful, it seems ludicrous to use last names.

“Then call me Sally.” Her smile is warm. “Welcome to the rest of your life.”


	2. I would know love again if I had faith enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally uploading the continuation.

They meet again over tea. It tastes much better this time. 

Sally smiles around her cup. “Not very professional of me, meeting you off the job like this. Snatching your new mobile number from the report.”

Soo Lin’s hands tighten around her cup. “I’m glad you did. Thank you.” She takes a sip—cassia oolong, one of her favourites. “It’s been hard. Strange, leaving so much behind.”

She doesn’t say _again_. That would imply she had something she’d wanted to keep back in China.

“I cannot imagine the frustration. Building a life only to have to leave most of it behind again.” Sally shakes her head. 

“I don’t mind replacing all the furniture. Most of my old things had been given to me by the woman downstairs. I didn’t have a lot of money to begin with.”

“Woman downstairs? Your landlandy?”

Oh, of course. Sally never saw her old flat. “She had a novelties shop. Meant for tourists. “

Sally winces. “And your flat was full of that stuff? I can see why you aren’t sorry to see it go.”

Soo Lin wonders if she should feel bad at the money she earned selling all the Tong secrets, the translations she did because she knew the code words. Or perhaps she’s supposed to be happy, getting revenge. Instead she feels numb.

New flat, new job, new life. She can’t be help being bitter, having to start all over again. At least she has more control now.

“Is that bloke helpin' you? The one John called?”

“Yes. Mr Holmes has been a great help.” He was an efficient man. She wasn’t quite sure why he felt obligated to help her. Shame at his brother almost getting her killed? No, not right. Responsibility, perhaps. 

Or maybe his stated appreciation of her tea was true. She should feel guilty, the tea pots removed from public display so she could continue her work in a safer place. Instead she’s happy to still have one thing the same.

Sally’s jaw goes slack, before snapping back up again. “Mr Holmes?” Her tone is incredulous, almost sneering.

“Yes. Sherlock’s brother. He works in the government.” _A minor position_ , he’d said. But the ease of her paperwork said something else. “He’s helping me hide from the Tong.”

Sally laughs, shaking her head. “Sorry. Sorry, I’ve just never thought of him havin’ a brother. Or an anythin’ really. He always seemed a bit like he came out of a pod. Not one to have normal things like family.” Her mouth twists into a smile that’s too many parts cruel.

“Normal things. Like family,” Soo Lin repeats, the words ash in her mouth. She takes another sip to wash away the taste of them, the words _almost got me killed_.

“Bloody—“ Sally squeezes her eyes shut, sighing. “Shit. I came off like a wanker, didn’t I? There’s no excuse for that. He always—” She rubs her face with her free hand. “He brings out the worst in me. Even when he’s not here.”

“I would have died without his help. Him, and John Watson.” Her grip is too tight. The cup is shaking. 

“Soo Lin. Please, forgive me.” Her hand brushes over hers again, meant to be as soothing as it was last time. It isn’t. “I shouldn’t let his attitude make me forget he’s done good things. Helped people.” She scowls again. It’s an ugly expression. “Even if it’s not why he’s in it, it doesn’t make that less important.”

“I’d like to talk about something else. Please.” She says a little too forcefully. Everything else is stressful enough. She doesn’t want to ruin this.

“Right. Sorry. _Again_.” She breathes in and out, a huff. “I ask you out for a drink and I bollocks it up.”

Soo Lin goes still. “You asked me out for a drink.” She hates how she keeps parroting words back, like she doesn’t know how to be anything but an echo. She hears Andy’s awkward invitation all over again.

“Oh, that’s—I mean, it’s not what I meant, it being so soon and all. Inappropriate timing,” she trails off, looking steadily at the wall. “I know that you’ve been on the run. That you’re still not sure about a lot of things. But, if you wanted to.” Sally smiles, hands fluttering between the table and her hair. “We could do this again. At a pub. Eventually. Once I’ve got my foot out of my mouth.”

She wants to say no. It’s instinctive, habitual, _sorry, not interested, stay away I’m dangerous_. For the first time in years she’s safe enough could say yes. She could pursue something. Sally is a competent police officer. She wouldn’t be afraid of the shadow of the Tong looming over Soo Lin’s life.

She should stop this. She should be angry with Sally, should push her away.

But she won’t. She wants something _hers_ just this once. Something nice.

She leans in.

Sally tilts her head to the side, her eyelashes an elegant sweep as her eyes slide half-closed. Her lips part in surprise, anticipation.

It’s nice, to have something to look forward to. Soo Lin closes the last few centimetres, feels the gentle press of lips on lips. She can’t remember the last time she kissed anyone. It’s not an especially memorable one but it’s nice enough. The fear is still curling in her belly, only temporarily pushed to the side.

Sally pretends she can’t see it when she pulls back and smiles.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Sally Donovan Femslash PodSuite](https://archiveofourown.org/works/664956) by [AfroGeekGoddess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AfroGeekGoddess/pseuds/AfroGeekGoddess)




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